"Shame On You"

I heard this a lot growing up, maybe a lot of us did. "Shame on you" when I did something naughty. When I was rude to my brother, when I talked back, or when I laughed at something "inappropriate".

When I started dating someone that was not the religion I was raised in. When I didn't turn out to be what they wanted. When they realized I was going to live my life and dreams, not theirs.

Maybe that is why I have so much shame today, or maybe it is just effects of alcoholism. No, I take that back, that's not true. I remember the first time I truly felt shame- it was before I had started drinking. Let's just say I was 15 and had discovered the jet on a hot tub. I wasn't truly ashamed of what I had done, but had been taught that it was wrong. A failing, or sin of the flesh. I was ashamed at what others would think of me if they found out. What an awful feeling.

Fast forward 15 or so years, and feeling shame like I have never known, and hope you never have to experience. A night after heavy drinking, and actions that in a million years I wouldn't consider doing sober. Consequences, and things that I couldn't hide or tell little lies about to cover up. Police and frostbite. Emergency Room, doctors, and tests that made me throw up from shame. You know, you stuff and stuff and stuff all of this shit into a drawer. You only ever open it to shove more crap in. Then one day, someone else opens that drawer, and there it all is- right out in the open.

I never knew it was possible to feel such shame. "Shame on you" was all I could hear in my head. Repeating over, and over, and over. I felt like I just wanted to climb into a deep dark hole and hide so no one could see me. But the problem with that deep dark hole is sometimes people can't see you in there, and don't know how desperately you need help, or forgiveness, or understanding. So while sometimes we feel it protects us, the exact opposite is true. It keep us hidden, and keeps us from getting the help we so desperately need.

So please, when someone extends their hand down into that deep, dark hole you are hiding in...grab it. Grab it and hold on for dear life. For me that hand was first my husband. Then a crisis care counselor. Then a counselor at a treatment center. Then people at AA. If you look around, there are hands every day reaching out to help you.

Grab them.