Down in the dumps.

I am down in the dumps. Call it a pity party, sitting in my pity pot- whatever. Whatever it is, I am in it. Just a bummer of a day, but yes, I am still sober. Had a great time at my AA meeting last night. My husband is out of town, but I don't think that is it.

Nothing has happened to specifically get me down, but I am. Drinking is not an option, and I really haven't even desired it. I have noticed though, that my "hole" is feeling pretty empty. You know, that "hole" that you try to fill?

No alcohol, but I have kind of replaced it with food. I guess better than shopping, or gambling- but I am gaining weight, feeling unattractive, and sad. I even bought a pack of cigarettes today.

I don't smoke.

How do you search for something when you don't even know what you are looking for?

A week, really?

Has it really been a week? Wow. My 5 yr old son was sick, and while it was awful for him, it was nice for me- selfish really. I got to snuggle and cozy up with him. I have really missed him, and my daughter these last few months. Treatment is going great, but time seems to be slipping through my fingers. I work full time, and have outpatient treatment, AA meetings twice a week, meetings with my sponsor, and tons of homework. I love it, love the feelings that sobriety and recovery are bringing to me, but I miss things...

I miss tucking the kids in the nights I am not there. I am missing cooking for and eating dinner with my family. Hearing about everyone's day. Snuggling. So while my dinosaur man was feeling icky, and was actually still and not jumping from couch to big chair, I snuggled. Held him, smelled his hair, and gave him kisses. Told him that I love him very much and am so happy he is my little man.

So since I am home tonight, I am going to go snuggle them until they drift into the land of ponies and rainbows, mud and football, and the other magical places they visit at night. I know you don't mind. :)

p.s. Does it make me a "bad mom" if I kind of secretly hope my daughter gets sick so I can snuggle her for two days too? ;)

Emotional Hangover?

Wow was yesterday a day! Morning was going great- beautiful, not a cloud in the sky, and the sun warming the skin on my arms. And let me tell you, when that finally happens in Minnesota...you are golden! Figured it was a beautiful day for a drive- so while husband was cleaning and doing laundry, I took the kids to Costco with me to pick something up from the pharmacy. Keep in mind it is almost 30 miles from home.

Get there, wait in line (wow Costco is busy on Saturday!) and get up to the register, and the gal says "Oh, you can't get this until the 22nd." Umm what? I called for it to be filled on the 15th, but didn't pick it up. "You can't get it until the 22nd. Insurance won't pay for it- you are trying to get it too early." No, that's not possible, I am out. I had my last dose last night- if I don't get it until the 22nd, it will be a week without medicine. "Well insurance says you are getting it too early, and won't pay. You want to pay cash though?"

Keep in mind my kids are chasing and pretend kickboxing each other, and there is a crazy long line of people behind me that do not care there is an issue, they just want me to get out of line.

"Do you want to pay in cash?" No- see something isn't right. "Well, you had a 30 day supply, and it hasn't been thirty days" No, I only had a two week supply. "No, you had a thirty and there is nothing I can do." (as she is looking at the person behind me like "sorry, maybe she will leave soon"). So I say Umm, ok. and leave. (this is not a pharmacist, just a cashier so I am sure there probably really is nothing she can do.) So I figure I will drive all the way home, call my insurance co. which I don't know if I can reach anyone on a Sat, try to call my Dr. to see what I can do for medicine until the 22nd even though I know I will get voicemail because it is Saturday, blah blah blah.

I am on the verge of tears, and drive all the way home. Walk in the door and yell up to my husband I couldn't get the medicine. Ok, so I need to check on the bottle and verify that I only got 15 days worth. Hmm, I think I tossed it in recycling. So I go through 3 full bags of recycling. Nothing. Must have tossed it in the garbage. No plastic gloves (no, of course not) so I wrap a plastic Target bag around my hand and start to dig. Through the gross mass of dog hair and dirt that got dumped out of the vacuum. Through the wrapper that is dripping cheddar brat juice. Through the moldy pineapple leftovers, the coffee grounds, strawberries that are now liquid, and something that USED to be orange. Can't find it, and this plastic bag glove is NOT working. So I go through it again. Bare handed. 5 minutes later I yell upstairs "This is SOOOOO gross, and I can't find it!" At this point I am having a hard time keeping it together.

I walk over to the sink to scrub my hands, and my husband comes down and looks at me...I am sure thinking "She has finally lost it". He asks "What are you looking for?" My prescription bottle. "This one?" He walks over to the phone and grabs the bottle. Sitting right where I left it so I could get the number off it to call and find out the pharmacy hours. I close my eyes and take a few of what I hope are cleansing breaths. Dry my hands off, calmly walk over and look at the bottle. "Take one half tablet, twice a day. Quantity: 15" I knew it! It was too a 15 day supply!! So I call the pharmacy back. "Oh yes, hi. (sunshiney voice) I tried to catch you, but you left so quick (umm, no I didn't, I stood there for 10 minutes talking to the cashier) I called the insurance company, and they Ok'd it, so it is all ready for you to pick up."

Lord help me not lose it and be calm. So I took another breath, hoping to be cleansed, and say calmly... I did not rush out, I left after the cashier said there was nothing she could do for me. No one said "hey, why don't you wait while we call quick" or even try to stop me. I even looked at lotion right by there, and no one said anything. And now, I am home, and now it is ready, after I drove 30 miles home and dug through the garbage looking for my bottle. Why didn't anyone call the house and say what they found out- why did I have to call you guys back? And furthermore, why when I called it in and asked when I could pick it up that day and what were your hours- when you said "yes it is ready" why didn't anyone say anything or call me back when they found out it was "too early"? Why did I have to Drive 30 miles there, 30 miles back....now I have to drive another 60 miles?

"Well are you able to come and get it today?" (at least this lady is kind- she is asking this in a concerned for me way) I guess I don't have any choice, yes I will come get it. Thank you.

I hang up the phone, and husband says "What did they say?" I just need a minute, I say. I go upstairs to go to the bedroom...don't cry yet, don't cry yet...you can make it to the room. I quietly close the door, and lay on the bed.....and just bawl. The last almost 2 and a half hours have just been TOO much. I cry for a couple of minutes- it feels good, makes me feel better. Like a little pressure valve is being released. Wipe my eyes, take a big breath, and go downstairs. Tell husband what pharmacy said. He says "Have the kids stay here, and you go get it. Relax and be alone- let it roll off, it will be ok." Man I love him! So I grab a couple cd's, and while I am looking for just the right one, I say out loud...this is where I really want a drink. "Really?" he says. Yes, not like woohoo! but like this is how I cope. Have a couple, ok 10, to relax me. To make the stress, the anger and the frustration just "go away". "Huh" he says. I realize that I just don't know how to deal without it. When life rears it's head, I use the bottle as a shield. Interesting self-revelation here people.

So as I am in the truck starting the trek, again, I listen to Jack Johnson and think on what it is I don't know how to deal with. Is it the "negative" feelings, or just that I didn't get my way? Is it that anytime I don't agree with someone it makes me feel like they think I am a bitch? (even though I don't act like one- I am very passive and non-confrontational). Interesting. And why does it matter to me so much what someone thinks of me? I never saw this cashier before, will probably never see her again. so who cares??

Go in, get my prescription- "we are so sorry" the pharmacist says. The cashier doesn't look at me and won't make eye contact. I think she must have gotten chewed out. Good. But even thinking that makes me feel like an awful person. I just feel junky all over- angry, frustrated, and at this point, VERY tired. Hmm- those are some beautiful flowers over there. I have had a hard day- I deserve some flowers. (Does this sound familiar?) No, I don't like those colors, but those tennis shoes over there are really cute. Well I can't buy anything without a membership, so I better get one of those first. (In Mn you don't have to be a member to use the pharmacy. State Law.) So, $100 membership, (executive one- hey I'll get paid back! I can't NOT get this one!) $39 pair of Adidas running shoes, $12 socks, hummus, tortillas, 2 books, and an issue of "O Magazine" later I am walking out the door. Total- $180. These are all things I will use, but do I NEED any of them? No.

On the way home I realize that I just swapped out alcohol for shopping. My feelings made me feel bad. I didn't drink to feel better, but I bought things to make me feel better. I get home, and only bring in the tortillas and hummus. I think of the shoes and books in the truck, and have a vague feeling that I have felt this way when I was trying to hide how much I drank. I feel icky, head achey, and anxious. Funny, shopping doesn't make me feel better. Just like drinking didn't really make me feel better. Eating doesn't make me feel better. I don't want to replace alcohol with another addiction, but I feel shitty. I take off my beautiful french manicure tips and proceed to bite my nails so short that they hurt. That doesn't make me feel better either.

So this morning I have an emotional hangover. What is going to make me feel better? What makes you feel better?? I am going to make sure I get some outside time today. Husband is having some softball practice today, and I am going to go. Run around, play at the park with the kids, get some fresh air. I was going to go to church (childhood church, but lots of conflict about it) and knew it was going to make me feel bad, not better, so I don't go. And instead of telling my friend that was going to save seats for me an excuse, I tell the truth. I say that going last week was nice, but that it brought up a lot of things and I just don't think I am ready to go back today. Hmm, you know what? I think being honest and telling the truth makes me feel better. So I tell my husband that the membership was $100 not $50, and that I bought a pair of shoes too. Feeling a little better. I haven't told him the exact amount of what I spent, but baby steps people, baby steps. I think I am going to hit up a yoga class tonight too. Also as a little homework assignment for myself today. I am going to write a list of all of the things that make me feel better. Things that don't cost $180, and that I don't feel I have to hide.

Because you know what? Emotional hangovers suck too.

"Shame On You"

I heard this a lot growing up, maybe a lot of us did. "Shame on you" when I did something naughty. When I was rude to my brother, when I talked back, or when I laughed at something "inappropriate".

When I started dating someone that was not the religion I was raised in. When I didn't turn out to be what they wanted. When they realized I was going to live my life and dreams, not theirs.

Maybe that is why I have so much shame today, or maybe it is just effects of alcoholism. No, I take that back, that's not true. I remember the first time I truly felt shame- it was before I had started drinking. Let's just say I was 15 and had discovered the jet on a hot tub. I wasn't truly ashamed of what I had done, but had been taught that it was wrong. A failing, or sin of the flesh. I was ashamed at what others would think of me if they found out. What an awful feeling.

Fast forward 15 or so years, and feeling shame like I have never known, and hope you never have to experience. A night after heavy drinking, and actions that in a million years I wouldn't consider doing sober. Consequences, and things that I couldn't hide or tell little lies about to cover up. Police and frostbite. Emergency Room, doctors, and tests that made me throw up from shame. You know, you stuff and stuff and stuff all of this shit into a drawer. You only ever open it to shove more crap in. Then one day, someone else opens that drawer, and there it all is- right out in the open.

I never knew it was possible to feel such shame. "Shame on you" was all I could hear in my head. Repeating over, and over, and over. I felt like I just wanted to climb into a deep dark hole and hide so no one could see me. But the problem with that deep dark hole is sometimes people can't see you in there, and don't know how desperately you need help, or forgiveness, or understanding. So while sometimes we feel it protects us, the exact opposite is true. It keep us hidden, and keeps us from getting the help we so desperately need.

So please, when someone extends their hand down into that deep, dark hole you are hiding in...grab it. Grab it and hold on for dear life. For me that hand was first my husband. Then a crisis care counselor. Then a counselor at a treatment center. Then people at AA. If you look around, there are hands every day reaching out to help you.

Grab them.

Sober Fun? What's that?

What a night, what a last few days. Not even sure where to start. When you have years of pent up emotions and feeling, where do you even begin?

With the acknowledgment that you should probably take your intake interview over because you really didn't tell the truth... you know, the "painstaking" truth?

Or that you finally met with your sponsor and all you did was talk, no blabber, like an idiot? And really wasn't able to look her in the eye without feeling uncomfortable? (I am just waiting for her to turn out like every other "friend" I had...trust issues, but I'll save that for another day).

Or that you had a wedding reception to go to, and when you were there didn't want to drink, but the whole time you were getting ready, that's all you were thinking about?

I don't know about all of that, but one thing I do know is that I don't feel fun anymore. Maybe it was because I didn't really know a lot of people at the reception. Maybe it was because I was there with my kids too. Or maybe, no truly because it was the first wedding that I hadn't been drinking/drunk at for YEARS. Like 13 years. I hadn't danced sober for 13 years. Alcohol is a great "bringer together-er." You sit down at your dinner table, and don't know someone? No big deal, after a few drinks, they are your new best friends. Being there without my "social armor" was odd. Is this what 33 feels like? Either I am not fun anymore, or my "fun" was never really fun. We left at 10 pm, using the kids as an excuse. But to be honest, even if they weren't there I would have left then. Earlier even. H was dancing with some little girls she had met, and I wanted to let her have fun, so stayed a bit longer.

I need to figure out what sober fun is. Someone said "Do things you like". Problem is, I don't really know what I like anymore. Every social event revolved around drinking in one way or another. I guess I try new things?? Hmm, what can I try today?

New Beginnings

Well, here I am. A young, sober Mom. Newly sober and searching for... well everything I guess.

I searched high and low for a blog, a book, a website- anything that I could identify with. And I came up empty handed. I found myself saying "Why doesn't someone have something like this?" Then I remembered the saying "Why don't YOU be the someone?". So here I am.

I am 33 years old, married for almost 9 years to a kind and sexy man, and mother to two of the best looking, funniest, and kindest kids around. (Not that I am biased or anything.)

I am also newly sober. 52 days, 2 hours, and 19 minutes to be exact, but only a drunk would know that. I am in an intensive outpatient program and attending AA meetings 2 nights a week. Add my family to that, along with my full-time job, and you can imagine how busy things have been lately. Thank God I have such an amazing and supportive husband.

I am new to blogging, and I'm pretty sure no one will ever even read this, but that is okay. I am going to just let it all pour out- whatever I am thinking. A New Age diary if you will. So I am starting this for purely selfish reasons- to put all of my thoughts, hopes, and fears out into the universe. And if maybe one person reads this, and takes away only one little thing, even if it is just "maybe I am not alone or crazy after all" well, then that will make it all worthwhile.